D.I.V. O.R.C.E.

If you have been following me for the past few years, you may know that I use my life, experiences and mistakes as a testing ground.

I expose my stumbling and recovery for your entertainment, enlightenment and education.

But an issue like my divorce was of no one’s business but my own—until a dear friend of mine told me that if my story can help someone else, then it’s worthy.

So writing this is a new exercise for me and possibly an opportunity to help.

Allow me to be your ‘Ghost of Christmas yet to come.’

My now ex-wife, Laura, and I met a million years ago. In our bond we had two beautiful children who I am very proud of and enjoy guiding into their future. About 5 years ago we fell apart. Since we broke, I’ve done all the introspection and retrospection and reflection one man can. I wish I could say that I found answers—mine or yours. But I did come away with a few lessons. These are they.

A relationship is a living entity between two people.

It’s a conscious creation built from thought and intention. It’s based on mutual goals, respect and honesty. These converge and create love.

A partnership is a team like any other, supportive and working together. It needs to be nourished and paid attention to. This takes vigilance and a ton of communication. Dates are cool, but real talk—checking in with each other about kids, the bank, the gnawing questions. This kind of freedom to share openly is the hard stuff, but it’s the good stuff. Trust me.

Takeaway:

Talk. Fucking learn how to have real conversations with your partner. This is how we build empires, by consciously going to the deep, ugly places. THAT’S what your teammate is there for, to talk—some of us learn that too late.

Takeaway 2:

Talk. Even if it feels “Confrontational.” That’s a new word for me. One that I need to get used to. It doesn’t mean “looking for a fight.” It means, “I love you.”

“The lynchpin of love is trust”*

A relationship cannot survive without trust. With no trust there is no security and no stability.

Trust doesn’t mean just the big picture things. The devil lies in the details. Sometimes we let little, seemingly “nothings” slide and commit a small lie because we’re afraid to tell the truth. Afraid to look dumb or vulnerable—so we withhold. But it’s still a lie. Then it gets repeated and becomes a monster. If your partner can’t trust you, they don’t feel safe and can’t love you.

Takeaway:

Avoiding anything uncomfortable is a lazy trap. It just gets bigger, blown out of proportion and will devour you both. Share your truth and allow the truth to be shared with you. This isn’t always easy, but avoidance brings frustration, anger and regret. 

Even the best relationships get lazy.

We were a model couple, people admired what we stood for. But we settled into separate and comfortable routines. Netflix replaced real talk.

The team work went into cruise control. No one was at the helm so we drifted. Then drifted apart.

The movement was agonizingly slow and subtle, hardly registering.

What had started out hot and horny turns to a week or weeks with no intimacy. Talk is gone. Trust is broken. That’s a bad moon rising.

Takeaway:

Learn to recognize the signs of deterioration, like the distraction of phones or TV, a building resentment, or deciding that you actually hate the new (fill in the blank) that you swore you loved. Call these out. Write, text, DM—do what it takes to be heard. Then LISTEN and do your best to understand. Sometimes the end may already be past, but sometimes it was never supposed to end.

The hardest words are, “I’m not happy.”

Neither of us ever spoke those words. But the feeling was there. It was so hard to admit what was writ in ALL CAPS in front of me. And harder to let go.

The sad part is that there were no visible problems, no outward traits. It was the malaise of two people giving up.

As I look at it now, out of almost 20 years of marriage, there were maybe 10 good ones. Then 5 that were comfortable. The last 5 we were loitering in the same house.

We should have talked then and made decisions to align ourselves, right our ship and get back on course—or separate and help each other find our beautiful futures. But complacency has a strong pull. And without words, we were both lost.

I own my half of the dissolution. I was “busy” and distracted. I was running a small commercial studio in rural Texas. Traveling for work. Money was always an issue. My son was a baby when I started writing Feck Perfuction. Working on the book I was stressed about not being with my family. When I was with my family I was stressed about not working on the book. Halfway through writing my daughter was born. A lovely surprise. Laura had to focus on Nova. I focused on Wyatt—but we lost sight of each other. Our communication was already gone so we let it slide. Further.

We set the stage and the relationship ended abruptly. But really, it had ended long before.

Takeaway:

There are two partners in a relationship. Two equal parts. If one is unhappy, the ship tilts—but both have to grab a bucket. There is no blame. Responsibility lies square on both. Take full responsibility for yourself and what you bring to the table. And support your love in everything they bring.

Takeaway 2:

I read somewhere that we don’t need more divorces, we need more naps. The stress of modern life is not only real, it is a chronic plague. Get enough sleep. Hydrate. Be conscious of your diet, body and bad habits. A calm home is a safe home.

Divorce happens. My story is not unique. But that doesn’t diminish the surprise or the pain.

For the first time in my life I was alone. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I had to take care of myself and my two beautiful children half the time. And I wasn’t ready for that.

So, I picked up some bad habits that I am not proud of, built out of loneliness and fear. I’m still trying to divest myself from these.

But I’m divorced, not dead.

I have new horizons and shining stars to follow.

There are new challenges, new ceilings to break, a new life to build. And new love to make.

The real loss from any divorce is not learning from it or the marriage. The important things I took were about Self Love and, again, Trust.

The adage goes: You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself first.

It is very easy to see divorce as failure—then to see myself as failure.

But if I lose gratitude for all the good I have in ME, then I lose focus and see only loss and self doubt.

I am committed to doing better—I need to become a better person. I have skills to work on in the School of Self Love and Trust. But I am disciplined and committed and not afraid of work.

I need to do this, so I can be open, honest and vulnerable—even wrong at times—and still be trusted.

I want to be a better man. Better with my children, better for a worthy partner and better in my work for you.

* “Chasing Forever” Thank you Fresh Prince